I’m still around. Surprise.
A lot of things have changed. I guess so much has been going on that writing here actually slipped my mind. That’s the trouble when you have a pen and paper journal, and another one on the web. You tend to prioritize one over the other. Let’s just say that I fell in love with pen and paper for the past 5 months.
So what has changed? For one thing, for the first time in 6 or more years, I am in a steady relationship with someone. It’s been 3 months – 3 good months – and that’s all I’m willing to say about it. I guess I’m not too keen on sharing the details of our relationship online. I’m happy, the road has not been smooth, but it’s not rough either.
I’m going to try hard not to make this a woe is me kind of entry. Bear with me, though. This is going to be all over the place.
It’s hard to be in relationship and maintain the balance between being the right amount of vulnerable and too vulnerable.
I realize that I’m probably talking to thin air here. This blog has been dead for months, but I need an outlet.
Have you ladies ever felt like you’re not enough, but at the same time you’re just too much? Have you ever felt inadequate? Do you find yourself carrying around a sense of disbelief when someone tells you that you’re beautiful?
I don’t know where it comes from. Sometimes I just wake up in the morning, look at the mirror and just dislike what I see. I wonder what other people like – or love – about me because sometimes I don’t even like myself.
When I get hit by these bouts of insecurity, I end up disliking myself even more.
My boyfriend can’t get rid of this insecurity. He can try, but he’s just going to end up drained. I know that. I’ve been poring over my Bible, and I know the solution to my insecurity… my head knows it. It’s my heart that’s the problem.
And that is one of the reasons I haven’t been around for 5 months. I’m far from fixed. But this is me admitting that I am an insecure individual. Maybe – just maybe – I’m not the only one.